Second Guessing

In my last post, I stated that it took me a long time to come up with the nerve to write it.  I will confess that it woke me up after writing it last night and I couldn't sleep.  See, all the excuses that I had for myself?  I've heard them over and over.  From friends, strangers, loved ones...  It's not easy to write something that basically pulls the "BS" card on someone.  (Yes, that stands for the words I won't say and not my initials.)  But in order to effect real change in me, I had to be honest with myself.  Answer all my excuses and debunk them.  I was afraid that I would meet with the excuses of loved ones and step on toes in a way that would wound rather than help.  And yet, I might. 

But at the same time, I've had the opposite response.  Rather than what I feared, I heard thanks for sharing my struggles and my victories.  Thanks for having the courage to be honest and say hard things rather than perpetuating denial.  I have been told that I was encouraging.  Really, that was my intent and yet I was surprised and grateful to hear it. 

I've had a few other thoughts with regard to weight loss, and since I've not been slammed with negativity for yesterday's post yet, I'll be bold enough to share.  I just can't guarantee that I'll sleep tonight.  :)

Another struggle I had with writing yesterday's post was that I once battled anorexia and bulemia.  If you know much about ballet and the ballet world, this should not come as a shock.  I won't share what that was like, because in my experience sharing my struggles and behaviors in that regard is only fuel for other folks struggling with eating disorders to try out the same behaviors.  Making peace with hunger and not crossing a dangerous line that craved and felt empowered by hunger was a huge deal for me.  Maybe that is why I clung so much to my charts and numbers.  I had to have confirmation that I was eating enough when everyone around me worried that I was not.  I had to have assurance that though I was sometimes hungry, 1200 calories was a far cry from the days I lived on 100 calories.  No, I didn't leave off a zero.  Staying within an acceptable range for my body weight was a far cry from dipping below 100 pounds.  Our brains can play tricks on us and there is a ditch on both sides of the road.  I've fallen in both ditches, but I know that there is a way to stay not only on the road, but also in my lane.  My weakness is my obsessive behavior, but I believe that weaknesses can be turned into strengths. 

Some other thoughts with regard to weight loss:  When you're used to living off probably two to three times the number of calories you need, and you make the decision to stop lying to yourself and to stop being a glutton, you will run into people that will tell you that you are not eating enough.  You will sit down at the table with your husband who can eat twice what you can and it will not feel fair. 

It isn't fair.

But why should it be?  Why should a 5'2" woman be able to eat what a 6' man can eat?  If you take a man and woman who are the same height and weight, the man will have a higher metabolism.  He will have greater lung capacity, greater blood volume, greater muscle mass, and less bodyfat.  This is just basic anatomy and one of the reasons why there are different physical fitness standards for men and women in the military.  Then when you factor in bone structure, it's just absurd to think that we are comparable.  If you take this same man and woman and have them run the same pace for the same distance, the woman will be working harder (assuming you're not talking about a woman who has been preparing for this and a man who has been sedentary.  Use averages here).  It isn't fair, but that's how we're made.  No sense arguing with something you can't change.  (Yes, you can train and increase your metabolism and muscle mass and lower your body fat, but you can't make yourself taller or change gender and I'm going to avoid chasing down that rabbit trail!)

You know, with livestock, an animal that can keep weight without a great deal of feed is referred to as an "easy keeper" and it's a good thing.  So if it costs less money to keep me fed, why do I want to call that unfair?  Why do I want to eat enough to sustain a 200 pound man, when I don't want to be a 200 pound woman?  I believe that God designed me to be where I am, to have the needs that I have.  I'm not going to argue with Him, but instead strive to learn about what works for me, the way I was made.  My husband's tractor doesn't complain because it gets diesel fuel instead of gasoline like his car.  My dogs don't complain because they were made to eat meat rather than grass like a goat.  This all sounds absurd, but it really isn't.  Being content with who we are, where we are, how we were created, and living within our means and for our nature is just as much a lesson to be learned from the weight loss journey as anything else.